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Daemon 'VagMolester' Astaroth
' ' "Schmalacka." - The VagMolester before he thrusts Daemon VagMolester Shrekafiction Astaroth, or simply known as the VagMolester, is a mythical being of horrific origins. Said to have existed since the beginning of time itself, the VagMolester has been said to have toppled entire empires with his powerful cock. He literally raped entire civilizations into dust. He is both feared and worshipped, and many are led to believe that Islam's 'Allah' might have loose connections with it. Prehistory Carboniferous Period The first (unconfirmed) sighting of VagMolester was during the Carboniferous Period, where he ruled over the insects. The mosquitos didn't suck blood, they sucked his cum, which in turn overwhelmed them, and the sheer unholiness of his sperm caused them to wink out of existence. He ruled over what was collectively known as the Kingdom of the Bugs, although barely any literate evidence survived to give us a better detailing. Overall, we know VagMolester ruled as malevolent dictator, right up until the Carboniferous extinction event. Somehow, VagMolester survived. It is also largely believed that modern day insects are a product of the Kingdom of the Bugs. It is also believed that the Kingdom lasted sometime afterwards, but slowly died as the insects lost their hold on the planet. Triassic, Jurassic and Cretaceous Period Many believe the dinosaurs were the kings of Earth. They were wrong. Not four years into the Triassic Period, VagMolester appeared. He overwhelmed the strongest dinosaurs, fucked the tribe leaders into atoms, and he kicked Satan in the balls and banished him to hell. From there, he created the renewed Kingdom of Bugs, calling it the Republic of Dinosluts. The Republic was long and prosperous, and went on to conquer all of Pangaea. Any of those who opposed him were totally annihilated from existence. The next bit causes Christian priests to shiver in fear. When the continents split, VagMolester came across the T-Rex. From here, he completely buttfucked the T-Rex, and the rest became halfbreeds with VagMolester blood, and THAT is why you don't fuck with the T-Rex; you wanted to know why they were so powerful? Here it is. From here, he created three colonies: Rape, Edenrape, Heavenrape. This continued for millions of years, with the dinosaurs suffering through VagMolester's dictatorship, cruelty and desolation. Noone could escape his wrath; those who did, were brutally raped to death. Bye bye Dinosaurs The Republic of the Dinosluts fell apart when the asteroid came to Earth. It was later revealed that Slickbooty, the King of the T-Rexes, now VagMolester's pleasure bitch, had made a deal with Satan, who agreed to send an asteroid to Earth to destroy the dinosaurs and rescue them from VagMolester's torment, if the T-Rex sacrificed itself to Hell and its demons. The deal was done, Satan took Slickbooty's soul, and the asteroid hit Earth, destroying the dinosaurs. Their torment was at an end. But VagMolester was not so easily defeated. The First War for Hell After the collapse of the Dinoslut Republic, VagMolester was furious. He was annoyed that his throne had been toppled, and decided his one true goal: destroy Satan. Travelling through time, VagMolester gathered dinoslut and bug forces, and launched an assault against Hell. Laying siege, VagMolester's troops attacked and attacked, and Satan's forces were quickly overwhelmed. Unable to withstand VagMolester's might, Satan bent the knee and yielded, out of fear and VagMolester decided to spare his cunt from his brutal raping. It was upon this, that the Molester-Satan Treaty was written; fifty years of peace followed, with VagMolester taking his troops back, and enjoying life fucking mammoths and causing the Ice Age. The Ice Age After the First War for Hell, Satan went by fixing his residence, as it was destroyed during the war. Meanwhile, on Earth, VagMolester masturbated so hard, that his cum coated the planet, blocking out the sunlight. Without sunlight, his semen froze, causing a massive planetary Ice Age. To combat this, and to ensure the planet survived, VagMolester created CockDefiler, ThirdPartyCunt, breeding them and creating a hybrid species; humanity. After this, he thrusted too hard, killing CockDefiler and snapped the spine of ThirdPartyCunt, who VagMolester then killed as a mercy. It is thanks to his unholiness that we exist today. The Second War for Hell As punishment for Satan's intervention during the years of the Republic, VagMolester made it so that all those who originally went to Hell were instead sent into VagMolester's bed where they got raped to death, depriving Satan of his main source of income. After witnessing the abomination known as humanity born, Satan declared war against VagMolester, sending Gabriel the Archangel to kill him in his sleep. Gabriel was unsuccessful, and would later be consumed by VagMolester's womb, where he would then become sperm particles. With his plan in motion, VagMolester takes his army of humans and attacks Satan during his vacation with Allah, in which VagMolester overwhelms God's defenses, and brutally rapes Satan, impregnating him with Gabriel. After a few milliseconds of pregnancy, Satan gives rebirth to Gabriel, and then declares war. Satan attacks VagMolester, but Allah, indoctrinated by Molester's power, sends his angels to banish Satan to Purgatory. Returning with a relief army, VagMolester and Allah's angels destroy Satan's much smaller force, forcing him to withdraw. Knowing he cannot win, Satan offers up his son, Gabriel the Archangel, as tribute if he surrendered. VagMolester, ever the believer of second chances, took Gabriel, renamed him Jesus, and sent him forward in time to Nazareth, unknowingly making him the apex of a new religion. Such is Christianity born. VagMolester, willing to forgive Satan, tells Allah to back off, and then rapes Satan five hundred times as retribution for his crimes. Upon this, 500,000 years of peace followed. Meanwhile, back on Earth, the Ice Age destroys all life on the planet. VagMolester is disappointed, but sits back and witnesses the evolution of humanity. The Third and Final War for Hell Satan, missing his son, decides to visit Jesus in Nazareth. Misplacing the timeline, he accidentally comes across Adam and Eve, where Allah asks him to trick Adam into eating from the tree of knowledge, therefore sealing Satan's fate as the Devil for all eternity. Succesfully tricking him, Allah banishes Satan back to Hell, telling him that a new undertaker will be taking control; he is known as Hades. Hades, taking control of Hell, makes a deal with VagMolester; if he sells Satan to him, he will give VagMolester control of Hell. He agrees, but Satan doesn't. Instead, he takes his army and flees to Nazareth, begging the Romans for help. The Romans tell him to fuck off, now officially Christian, and instead try to kill Satan. He flees again, VagMolester hot on his tail, recruiting the Romans to help him. Sweeping through Europe, he gains a massive Soviet Roman Communist Lenin Galactic Battle Fleet, and chases down Satan. Forced to hold position, Satan manages to repel the first two of VagMolester's attacks. But then Shakespeare arrives, and his gibberish quickly kills the intellect of his troops, leaving Satan alone. VagMolester and Satan face off one last time, and Satan is totally defeated. VagMolester accepts his surrender and to avoid another war, makes Satan his slut. And so history is forever changed. The Soviet Roman Empire lasts until 1991 AD, and the American-Chinese Confederation lasts until 2190.